Well that midterm went exactly as I expected it to… very very badly. 

So I drunk dialed my high school English teacher the other night...
Me: Ms. Grant!
Her: I am at a gordon lightfoot concert. Really ( :
Me: Haha I'm at a gay bar. This is what happens at NYU I guess.
Her: And gordon lightfoot happens at tarry town. Be good. Or as good as you can be around men who won't have sex with you.
Me: I mean yeah...

I want it to storm and howl with wind and just rain and rain and rain and never stop raining and then maybe I’ll feel better. 

I’ve had maybe three pieces of turkey bacon, a donut and a few tomatoes to eat in the last 48 hours. 




I found this on change.org, and it is very heartening, especially in light of some backlash responses to the monosexual privilege checklist. This isn’t perfect, of course, but it’s a wonderful start. Credit goes to Daniel Vivacqua. Link to origin is here.

So I’m going to come right out and admit it — I’m biphobic. It’s not something to be proud of and it’s something I know I need to work on, which is the reason I decided to write this piece. The more I read about bisexuality, the more I realize that I’m wrong and the more I come to terms with the reasons why I might feel the way I do.

I picked up this book, Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, and started reading parts of it. I realized that biphobia comes from two populations — us queers and them there straights. I know that my biphobia comes from this idea that bisexual people can, at any time, shed the weight of being queer and live a heterosexual life. It’s as if they get the benefits when they want them but don’t have to bear the burden if they don’t want to.

And then I read this; “… we consider sexuality to be an essence, an unchanging core identity, and the way that lesbian and gay communities have adopted this view … has led to a great deal of lesbian and gay biphobia.” That’s a quote by Amanda Udis-Kessler from her contribution to the book, a piece called “Present tense: Biphobia as a crisis of meaning.” It makes me think of that thing we do when we say “I’m a gold-star lesbian woman/gay guy,” proud to have never been corrupted by the ickyness of heterosexuality. It gives us an identity as separate, forming a community of oppressed people that can band together against those hateful straights. If our same-sex attraction is intrinsic to who we are, then we can’t be attacked or blamed for it, and we have to come together to defend it. But if sexuality is fluid and flexible, if people can be bisexual, then does that call into question the essential nature of being queer?

Bisexuality might scare gay and lesbian people because it can’t be neatly wrapped up in a box. In Michael Brewer’s contribution to Bi Any Other Name, titled “Two-way closet,” the author talks about how many bisexual people force themselves to identify as either straight or gay/lesbian in order to avoid the ambiguity and social impatience with bisexuality. These people then suffer because of it. “Sadly, all too often, the bushes of San Francisco and highway rest stops now contain their tales of quiet desperation,” Brewer writes.

Maybe my biphobia comes from there, from that fear of the “what if.” Maybe I recognize a little bisexuality in myself and pushed myself to identify as a gay man for fear of uncertainty. Maybe it’s that internalized homophobia that I’m still working to get rid of. Maybe I’m 90 percent gay and 10 percent straight, and maybe I should learn to be comfortable with that.

So I guess this is a call to action: The LG and T community need to make more of an effort to support the B’s among us. Being bisexual doesn’t mean being selfish or sitting on the fence, it means being brave enough to live in the gray space.

And though I could write a whole other piece just about the stereotypes associated with bisexuality — like that bisexual people can’t be monogamous, or that they are just “confused” — coming out as bisexual means saying, “I don’t care if you think I’m just a promiscuous perv and I don’t care if you think it’s a phase and I don’t care if you don’t accept me as part of the gay community, this is who I am.” We need to provide a loving environment for our bisexual brothers and sisters and make them welcome among us. And maybe we need to learn to look at ourselves and accept some gray in our lives, too.

Everybody should read this. 

I’m hungry and I want to go back to sleep. Wah.
I’m completely obsessed with elephants.

I’ve spent all day sewing a dress with elephant patterns on it, I love it. I will post millions of pictures of it once it’s done, and there’s NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO STOP ME. #noonecares 

Anyway, this was both random and uninteresting, so I’m going to stop now. 

Elephants, though. They’re so cool. Somebody send me more elephant figurines so the ones in my room can have more friends. 

It’s my 8-month anniversary with the boyf, so I’m gonna be annoying and post lots of pictures about it. 

We’re drunk in too many of these. 

I always want to post things telling all negative three people who follow me to talk to me. I very occasionally do, and it’s less than enthusiastically responded to. I never understand how people can do the whole “send me a ∞ and I’ll tell you something you would never have wanted to know” and they get so many responses. Maybe I’m just bitter about it, but I really want to talk to new people, even if they might be homicidal maniacs. But hey, I’ll take what I can get. Which is probably going to be nothing.

Dear Lord I have 8 more pages to write by 9:20am tomorrow morning and I’m so sick
My boyfriend is so creepy

also I want a cigarette but I can’t because my mouth is still healing. 

I’m loopy as fuck.

So I just had a wisdom tooth removed and one half of my mouth is completely numb to the point where I can’t speak or smile properly. While the sensation isn’t unpleasant (and I got hydrocodone for my troubles), I’m drinking tea and it keeps dribbling out of the numb side of my mouth. How am I so attractive. 

I should give this to my boyfriend. I’ve been such a dick this week. 

I should give this to my boyfriend. I’ve been such a dick this week.